Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf
by Blood Trillium
Summary: Tauriel compares Kili and Legolas. Short, light, and humorous. Second chapter now added! Kili finds Tauriel's list and reacts. And now chapter 3- the conclusion, as far as I know.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf

Author: Blood Trillium

Fandom: The Hobbit (strictly movieverse)

Summary: Tauriel compares Kili and Legolas. Shirt, light and humorous.

Rating: PG (very mild sexual reference)

Disclaimer: The Hobbit is not mine. 

Alone in her room, Tauriel sits down at her desk (let us assume that elves have desks, shall we?) and takes out her secret diary and a pen. She draws a deep breath, opens to a clean page, and begins to write, using her nicest penmanship. This is, after all, exceedingly important.

**Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf**

**1. They are handy, and who doesn't want a man who can fix things?**

Here Tauriel mentally notes that the particular dwarf she has in mind, whose name she will not yet commit to paper, is an archer, and can almost certainly fix bows and arrows, among other things. Always a plus. And on that note…

**2. Handmade jewelry! Squee!**

**3. Contrary to popular belief, they wash dishes and clean up flawlessly after meals.**

How does Tauriel know this, you might ask, dear reader? Let us assume that she does. Maybe Bilbo told her. At any rate…

**4. He can teach me dwarven runes.**

**5. We can discuss the philosophy of starlight. Other stuff, too.**

**6. He loves his mom, which is always a good sign.**

Here it is increasingly obvious that Tauriel has one particular dwarf very firmly in mind. She smirks and continues…

**7. He has sexy hair.**

Well, doesn't he? And…

**8. He might have anything in his trousers.**

Or nothing. But at this point, I don't think Tauriel really believes that.

**9. If I keep my secret diary at the back of my highest shelf, he'll never, ever find it.**

**10. There's a shortage of dwarf women, so I don't have to feel bad about taking him away from someone of his own kind.**

Perfect! She could write more, but ten is a nice round number, so that will do for now. With a satisfied smile as she thinks of a certain dwarf, Tauriel turns to a fresh page and labels it, still in her nicest writing: 

**Top Ten Reasons to Date an Elf**

Here Tauriel's face falls a bit, but she gamely numbers 1 through 10.

**1. He's a prince. (Of course, his dad has made it clear that we have no chance. But I guess something could happen to his dad, and then he'd be king. Or we could run away together. The first of which seems unlikely to happen, and the second...well, better move on.)**

**2. He likes me. (But see number 1.)**

**3. He has pretty hair. (But see number 7 on the dwarf list.)**

Tauriel takes this opportunity to turn a page back and read over the dwarf list again, smiling the whole time. Then back to the elf list…

**4. He's tall. **

**5. He**

**6. **

**7. **

**8. **

**9. **

**10.**

Tauriel stares at the paper for a long time, but she can't think of anything else to write. What other reasons are there to date that certain elf, anyway? There don't appear to be any at all. The dwarf, on the other hand…well, there's a list of ten right in front of her, and that's only for starters.

Tauriel stands up suddenly and closes her diary. She puts her pen away, then opens her closet (we will assume that elves, being a civilized race, have closets), and carefully stashes her diary at the back of the highest shelf. A dwarf would never even know it was there. She checks her hair in the mirror, finds it flawless, as always (she's an elf, after all), and then sets off to find Kili. Top ten lists, after all, never lie.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Kili finds Tauriel's list.

Reader, I regret to tell you that Tauriel has made a miscalculation.

She's nearly late for an appointment, but Kili wants to fix that broken quiver strap for her (See? She was right about number 1), so she has told him that it's on the shelf of her closet, then dashed out of the room. And Kili, of course, knows exactly how to get at a shelf you can't reach- you stand on a chair. Doesn't everyone? Needless to say, he has found the broken quiver, _and_ the secret diary of a certain red-haired elf of his increasingly close acquaintance.

He flips through it, and discovers that Tauriel has lovely penmanship, and loves top ten lists. She makes them for all occasions- Top Ten Reasons to Take the Job as Captain of the Guard; Top Ten Favorite Foods; Top Ten Techniques when Fighting Spiders; Top Ten Herbal Shampoos; Top Ten…

Wait a moment. **Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf.**

Kili blinks, then reads, eagerly. She must mean him! He's pretty sure they're dating, after all.

**1. They are handy, and who doesn't want a man who can fix things?**

Who doesn't indeed? Kili smirks and fingers the quiver strap.

**2. Handmade jewelry! Squee!**

How could he not have thought of that? Yet? Kili resolves to make her something very soon.

**3. Contrary to popular belief, they wash dishes and clean up flawlessly after meals.**

He nods and smiles. Of course. He continues reading, feeling very flattered and pleased. What nice things she's said about him!

**4. He can teach me dwarven runes.**

**5. We can discuss the philosophy of starlight. Other stuff, too.**

**6. He loves his mom, which is always a good sign.**

**7. He has sexy hair.**

Kili pauses, frowns, and rubs at the stubble on his jaw. He is not in any way aware that his hair is sexy. But Tauriel must think it is. Which makes a fitting lead in to…

**8. He might have anything in his trousers.**

His eyebrows shoot up, then he laughs. They're not quite at that point in their relationship yet- but Kili is pretty confident that sooner or later, something in his trousers will interest Tauriel very much. And vice versa.

**9. If I keep my secret diary at the back of my highest shelf, he'll never, ever find it.**

"Oh, no- it's not that easy," he murmurs to the diary, chuckling and shaking his head.

**10. There's a shortage of dwarf women, so I don't have to feel bad about taking him away from someone of his own kind.**

Hm. Rather socially responsible of her, to have thought of that. Kili scans the list again, and is about to put the diary back on the high shelf- but then a better idea occurs to him.

He jumps off the chair, diary in hand, takes it to the desk, and gets out a pen. His handwriting isn't nearly as nice as Tauriel's, but he opens to a clean page and starts to write.

**Top Ten Reasons to Date Tauriel**

**1. She kicks serious orc and spider butt.**

And who doesn't want a woman like that?

**2. She's really, really good at rescuing me.**

At least four times, so far. At least.

**3. And at healing me, too.**

**4. And on top of all that, she can reach things that are high up. Is there anything she can't do?**

Apparently not. At the moment, he can't think of anything.

**5. She's beautiful.**

Here Kili stops for a moment. He feels he should add some extravagant adjectives and adverbs here, but none seem adequate to fully describe her. He hesitates, then leaves number 5 as it is.

**6. She smells nice.**

Like woodlands, and clean water, and niceness.

**7. Sometimes she glows!**

And how cool is that!? How many dwarves have a glowing girlfriend? Exactly one, that's how many!

**8. She knows all the best places for starlight walks.**

**9. She laughs at my jokes.**

**10.**

What else? Kili is stuck for a moment- but then he takes the plunge.

**10. I love her.**

There. Kili uses the diary's ribbon marker to mark the page, closes it, and sets it on Tauriel's desk, then gets to work on the quiver strap.


	3. Chapter 3

"You read my diary!"

Oh, my goodness. As you can clearly see, reader, Tauriel is not exactly pleased. Well, she is pleased by a good deal of what Kili wrote. But she is not pleased by the fact that he read her diary. So she's really not sure what to think.

"I...I...no, well...yes. Yes, I did," Kili concludes. The dwarf is not phased by much, but the sight of his gorgeous, red-haired elf girlfriend towering eight inches over him (at least), unhappy with him, is phasing him.

"But I hardly read any of it...just that one list, and then I wrote..." he breaks off. "You did read it, right?"

He gives her the puppy eyes. He looks cute doing it. He even looks sexy. Tauriel is finding it hard to stay mad.

"Yes." She sighs, sits down on the edge of the bed, and twists a strand of hair around her finger. She doesn't know what else to say. Neither does Kili.

But wait- maybe he does.

"I have something for you," he says suddenly, as he takes something out of his pocket and plops it into Tauriel's hands. It seems to be a...a chain?

"Um...what's this?" she asks. She holds it up and spreads it out with her fingers- it's chain all right, gold, and well-made, but it's not a necklace. Or a bracelet. It's linked together in a…a squarish shape, like a ribbon around a non-existent present, with a tiny padlock where you might expect a bow.

"Let me show you," Kili answers. He reaches across for the diary, but stops before picking it up.

"Can I?" he asks, and she nods, puzzled. Kili picks up the diary, takes the chain from Tauriel and with a flourish, wraps the chain around it and closes the lock with a click. It fits perfectly, wrapping around the diary horizontally and vertically, making it impossible to open without the key. At least, one would assume there is a key. Kili gives a cheeky smile.

"There!"

"Um…" Tauriel still doesn't know what to think. She takes the diary- now locked up tight- from Kili and turns it back and forth in her hands.

"And!" Kili announces, and takes out of his pocket- with even greater flourish- another chain, this one finer and prettier. A key dangles from it, decorated with little jewels.

"Oh!" Tauriel exclaims, and her face breaks into a smile as Kili sits down next to her on the bed and fastens the chain around her neck. He leans in and kisses her on the cheek.

"There. And in case you're wondering- I didn't even make the lock and key myself. I told Fili to get them for me, and not tell me where they came from, so I can't get another. I just decorated it with some gems, and made the chains to match. You like it? It looks great on you!" Another cheeky smile. Impossible to resist.

"I love it." Tauriel puts her arm around him, and smiles, and they scoot closer together, looking into each other's eyes. He puts his arms around her, too.

"And you know what? I love you, too, dwarf. Even if you did read my diary." Tauriel bends her head to kiss him, and now, dear reader, I imagine Kili and Tauriel might like some privacy.


End file.
